Happy Talk

Think of someone who you really enjoy being with. Can you put your finger on what it is that makes them such good company? Over the years I've examined this question and concluded that the quote attributed to the Greek philosopher Epictetus, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak," is incredibly wise.

I've developed my own five rules which are easy to remember by the acronym TALKS:

TAKE TURNS - Remember what your mother told you about friends taking turns when you were little? The same thing applies to conversation. If you do all the talking you are merely a speech-giver. No matter how much your friend appears interested in your life, take time to ask about theirs. Even the viral video hit of the twins talking gibberish to each other showed them taking turns.

ATTEND - Don’t spend all the time your friend is talking planning what you are going to say next. Be present to what they are saying. Acknowledge them with the right noises but don’t interject. If you’ve ever chatted to someone whose mind is elsewhere while you’re talking, you’ll know how offensive it can be. Plus, it shouldn’t have to be said, but do put your phone out of sight and definitely out of reach.

LEARN - This is especially important when talking to someone younger than yourself. Asking questions and using phrases like, “I didn’t know that,” and “How interesting,” make your companion feel valued. On the other hand, don’t assume that he or she is going to indulge you in the same way. Being constantly ‘taught’ in a conversation can feel like being lectured.

KEEP QUIET - When someone tells you something, don’t immediately bring it back to your own experience, no matter how tempting it is (and above all, don’t try to top their story!). They didn’t say it just as an opener for your own drama. Sometimes the best response is a neutral one, such as, “Gosh, that must have been quite a stressful day for you.” or even, “How funny, what a great story.” If you feel you absolutely must go on to tell your own tale, at least leave a minute’s pause or so before adding, “That reminds me...”

SINCERITY - Even if you’re sure you could win an Oscar for your performance, your companion will be able to spot insincerity a mile off. If you believe you have to put on a front to have the conversation, you have two choices: Either keep throwing the ball back into their court with questions that require them to do most of the talking, or keep it short and simple and move on to spending time with someone whose company you feel relaxed and comfortable in.